“Boy, when you’re dead, they really fix you up…”

Boy, when you’re dead, they really fix you up.  I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something.  Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery.  People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap.  Who wants flowers when you’re dead?  Nobody.”  -J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, 1945

I’ll admit that I am terrified of death.  The idea of ceasing to exist totally freaks me out. 

I am also terrified of loved ones dying.

With all of that said, however, I just don’t understand funerals.

Jeremy’s great aunt died over the weekend.  She lived to 91!  She had also been living with Alzheimer’s for the last 15 years.

Tonight was the viewing.  Jeremy wasn’t particularly close to his aunt and I had never met her.  I think Jeremy’s parents’ had accepted that she was going to pass soon and while they seemed a bit sad – I think they agreed she’s “in a better place”.  However, we spent the evening chatting in the funeral home by a dead body.

Hello?

The idea of a viewing is so strange to me.   People passing in and out of a room to stare at a dead body.  It just doesn’t make sense.

And then I learned you have to pick all this crap out for yourself!  You pick your coffin, what you’ll be wearing, weird knick-knacks to be displayed… and for what?  I can’t imagine that my loved ones want to hold on to a guestbook from my funeral.

More than ever, I am completely sure that I just want Jeremy to throw my body in the woods.  He keeps insisting that he will not do anything illegal (this whole law school thing has turned him into such a lame-o) – so I want him to build me a cheap pine box (or find a good large canvas bag) and throw me into the woods.  Just kick me down a hill.  I don’t want a funeral.  I don’t want to pick out my cemetary plot.  I don’t want to think about what I’ll be wearing when I’m thrown into the ground.

I realize that funerals are more for the living than they are for the dead but it all just seems so strange to me.

10 Comments

Filed under Charm City Kim Rambles

10 responses to ““Boy, when you’re dead, they really fix you up…”

  1. As morbid as this may seem, funerals are a good time to catch up with relatives and old friends that you haven’t seen in a long time. When my best friend’s uncle died we talked with his family for like 3 hours. We were sad that he died, but we were all happy to see each other. Unfortunately it’s funerals and weddings that bring people together.

    I think I’m going to write in my will that I’d rather everyone have a crazy party in my honor.

  2. I wonder if part of the reason for the continued tradition is because it’s hard to go changing tradition when people are so emotionally fragile. When a family is going through the terrible pain of loss is not the time to be arguing the validity of tradition.

    Personally, I like the idea of being cremated and my ashes turned into a diamond. It’s got the combined appeal of practicality, (I’m not taking up space in the ground,) and freaky.

    That is f’n brilliant!

    I’ve always said that I wanted to be turned into compost and have a tree planted!

  3. Kt

    I always thought viewings were so weird until I lost a couple people who I was close with, who both died completely unexpectedly and were young. After that, I realized that seeing the person like that provides some closure. I never would’ve been able to process that these young people were dead. It is kind of odd still – but if you are super close with the person, it might be a bit better mentally to see them. I won’t want a viewing if I die when I’m old – nor do I want a viewing for anyone but family and our closest friends.

    And whoa – that’s such a freaky post to be writing a response to!

    That’s a good point – I can empathize with you but its just something that I don’t want to do for others (although my parents continually argue that its not what I want – its for my family).

  4. I am totally with you on this. I really don’t want people staring at my dead body thinking, “Man, she really doesn’t look like herself. So thin and fraile.” Or some other thing that people say at funerals. I don’t want people standing over me crying and being sad. I’m dead. I don’t want a funeral, I don’t want to be buried. Just cremate me and dump me back onto the ground from which I came and move on. As heartless as that may sound, that’s how I feel about death all around. Death is a part of life. It isn’t all that unexpected, in my opinion. (And for anyone who might think this is extremely harsh, I have lost close loved ones, young people and even two really close high school friends in high school so it isn’t that I haven’t experienced it.)

    Yes! I couldn’t agree more.

  5. My husband told me, several times, that if he gets senile that I should take him out in the woods and shoot him. The fact that dementia runs in his family and that he’s not kidding is the worst part. I want to be donated to science. I don’t care how I get there but there is no need to spend lots of money on a box and flowers. You must be able to rent a casket because one viewing I went to there was an open casket and then the next day the urn was the only thing at the memorial park. I am doubting that you have to buy a casket if you only “use it” for one nite. Not that you really ever use it.

    When I was 13 my grandfather suddenly died and it was my first funeral. I can remember being a mess and so I went up to the casket to see him one last time. When I went to touch his hand it was ice cold. It was possibly the worst experience ever. Since then, I have had two other grandparents pass and I do not go to the casket simply because of that experience. I don’t want to see them in clothes they never wore or caked in makeup. I want to remember them how they lived, not how they looked when buried.

    I also have a wacked out family member who takes pictures at funerals. She is also creepy enough that she sent me the taped recording of my grandfather’s entire funeral service. It is the creepiest thing ever. Needless to say I don’t really associate with that part of my family.

    My MIL said that if she gets senile, she wants us to put her in her car and send her over a cliff!

    And what a terrible experience… and its that very experience that I just don’t want anyone to deal with. Seeing a person dead is so unreal (and to reiterate – I have lost loved ones before). I don’t want to remember them that way — I want to remember them happy, alive…

  6. i completely agree. i don’t want people staring at my dead body…a quick little funeral with a closed casket (or urn) would be great.

    on a more pleasant note, i’m excited to see you guys tomorrow :)

    I’m excited too!

  7. dying has always scared me really badly too. my grandfather was cremated and thats what my parents want to be done for them as well.

    My mom wants to be cremated and my dad wants to be buried (and he has a plot in Illinois!).

    It would just be easier if we all just evaporated.

  8. You crack me up! And yeah, I don’t get funerals either. Maybe we could all chip in and buy some woods together. Then it would be legal. Maybe . . .

    I’m holding out for it being legal someday!

  9. Krista

    I do think viewings are a bit creepy…it seems like the person’s eyes are going to open at any time. There’s just such a fine line between knowing someone when they’re living and able to talk to you and then seeing that same body in a “wax figure” state.

    I’m all about being cremated… I don’t see any reason to spend thousands of dollars on my funeral. Family and friends can just get together and have a good time and scatter my ashes somewhere warm…meanwhile, I’ll be having a good time in another place! =)

    Yes! They really always do look like they could just open at any time and scare the shit out of me.

    I think if I can’t get my husband to kick me into a river – I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread somewhere crazy. I’m going to create some bizarre instructions in my will.

  10. Tens of billions in mass media, product development and natural disasters

    Your job as a future mother is to learn the god’s ways and to help your child understand despite the negative reinforcement and conditioning of today’s society. Without consciousous parents the child will have no hope, and may even exaserbate their disfavor by becoming corrupted in today’s environment.
    Your ultimate goal is to fix your relationship wiith the gods and move on. You don’t want to be comfortable here, and the changes in Western society in the last 100 years has achieved just that.
    1000 years with Jesus is the consolation prize. Don’t be deceived into thinking that is the goal.

    Much like the other prophets Mohhamed (polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny) and Jesus (forgiveness/savior), the gods use me for temptation as well. In today’s modern society they feel people are most weak for popular culture/sensationalism, and the clues date back to WorldWarII and Unit731:TSUSHOGO, the Chinese Holocaust. They used this Situation to bury Japanese atrocities.
    It has been discussed that, similar to the Matrix concept, the gods will offer a REAL “Second Coming of Christ”, while the “fake” Second Coming will come at the end and follow New Testiment scripture and their xtian positioning. I may be that real Second Coming.
    What I teach is the god’s true way. It is what is expected of people, and only those who follow this truth will be eligible to ascend into heaven as children in a future life. They offered this event because the masses have just enough time to work on and fix their relationship with the gods and ascend, to move and grow past Planet Earth, before the obligatory xtian “consolation prize” of “1000 years with Jesus on Earth” begins.

    The Prince of Darkness, battling the gods over the souls of the Damned.
    It is the gods who have created this environment and led people into Damnation with temptation. The god’s positioning proves they work to prevent people’s understanding.
    How often is xtian dogma wrong? Expect it is about the Lucifer issue as well.
    The fallen god, fighting for justice for the disfavored, banished to Earth as the fallen angel?
    I believe much as the Noah’s Flood event, the end of the world will be initiated by revelry among the people. It will be positioned to be sanctioned by the gods and led for “1000 years with Jesus on Earth”.
    In light of modern developments this can entail many pleasures:::Medicine “cures” aging, the “manufacture” of incredible beauty via cloning as sex slaves, free (synthetic) cocaine, etc.
    Somewhere during the 1000 years the party will start to “die off”, literally. Only those who maintain chaste, pure lifestyles, resisting these temptations, will survive the 1000 years. Condemned to experience another epoch of planet’s history for their ignorant pursuit of xtianity, they will be the candidates used to (re)colonize (the next) Planet Earth, condemned to relive the misery experienced by the peasantry during history due to their failure to ascend into heaven before the Apocalypse.
    Never forget:::It is not a house of Jesus.
    If this concept of Lucifer is true another role of this individual may be to initiate disfavor and temptation among this new poulation, the proverbial “apple” of this Garden of Eden. A crucial figure in the history of any planet, he begins the process of deterioration and decay that leads civilizations to where Planet Earth remains today.
    Which one is it?:
    One transitions into the other, allowing the gods to wash their hands of obligation to their Chosen One. My personal “consolation prize”.
    And since the gods never committed despite tens of billions in mass media, product development and natural disasters/tragedy they will employ the freedom they positioned into the Situation and CHEAT me out of everything.
    Unfortunate for me, the gods can claim they never intended this, despite being control freaks who guide everything specifically and have the power to force it with AI, and now they are free to fuck my brains out, just as they did throughout my childhood.
    The gods were pimping me when I was a 3 year-old boy, only to exploit me and cash in decades later.
    Pre-pubescent prostitution is rampant in black communities. Now we see where it comes from.

    Consistant with “reverse positioning” understand the REAL Second Coming would equate with The Matrix’s Anti-Christ, the fake battle of good and evil which will come at the end.
    Understanding how they use the political encviornment to redefine people’s value system, realize anyone who speaks of the old world and its ways will envoke hatred. So when/if the Anti-Christ comes along speaking of reverting back to what liberalism would consider regressive and unfair, it may be the only hope to salvage the god’s favor and keep moving forward rather than begin the 1000 year clock. The fake Second Coming will feed into this political enviornment.
    Also consistant with “reverse positioning” recognize the gods will offer a REAL Anti-Christ, also known as The Beast. I have addressed these issues in years past::::
    The gods will offer clues throughout every dynaic of life. Geographical features onthe world map is yet another.
    The Beast is not a person, as the xtian Bible would suggest. It is a place:::The San Francisco Bay Area. And it refers to the socio-political poison the region exuded in the latter 20th century which promoted indecent behavior among the people whose favor was rapidly deteriorating. This decay spread to other states and countries, fulfilling the region’s role as The Beast of the Apocalypse.
    Another feature which the Gods offer as a clue is very foreboading. Mt. Zion is a mountain to the north of the eye of The Beast Diablo and one which has a working quarry at its base. Consistant with the decay we experience in society, Mt. Zion is being eaten away, slowly stripped of its resources, until one day paradise will be gone forever.

    10:47a
    So many theme oriented movies lately. Pills that make you smarter, now a movie focussed on time, immortality. The gods are taking steps in preparation for the Apocaplypse, 1000 years with Jesus on Earth.
    The gods are preying on the people, ramping up temptation and compelling them to engage in behavior which will ultimately cost them.
    What I teach is the truth:::The gods extensively use clone hosts and manage Earth through them, people who ultimately are reincarnated into lesser life forms because of their fatal decision.
    You’re all falling prey to the god’s royal scam.
    Any enviornment/perception can be created with their power. Never fail to recognize the power they have at their disposal. There is NOTHING it can not do.
    They still sell “going up” to the reals and their clone hosts, for living on Earth doesn’t sound so appealing to them, nor preditors like my family. But the gods are creating an enviornment which will fulfill their promise made in the Bible to stupid white people and the fools who fell for xtianity.

    Navy SEALS helpcopter crash of 8.6.11 was revenge for Osama bin Laden.
    One day default will bring insolvency, while the wealthy your bailed out with multi-trillion dollar stimulous package leaves you behind in the ruins.
    You fell for it. And now you will pay dearly. The United States is the empire of evil.

    Even with all the corruption this wasn’t going to happen on W’s watch because the conservatives are the good ones. It is the social decay which was the trademark of The Beast, and what has destroyed our favor with the gods, filthy sodomites.

    So confident in their relationship with the gods. Live in comfort in “the greatest country in the world”, bright future, kids do great.
    The gods have sent a very contradicting clue to the families of the 20 Navy SEALS killed in Afghanistan.
    The gods did this to you. This is punishment for the evil of your country, killing of a superior in the god’s eyes.
    Do you even pray? Have the gods already told you to stop going to church? Because Muslims pray 7 times a day, and you fucking white trash ridicule their favor.
    The clue has been sent. Let’s see what you do with it.

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