Daily Archives: November 4, 2010

Do I Look Like an ATM (why I don’t like my neighbors)

I don’t think I hide the fact that I don’t like the majority of my neighbors.  While I do have some very nice neighbors, they are outnumbered by the number of turds on my street.

Recently, Jeremy and I did a little happy dance when the turdiest couple moved.  There were a couple of kids in that house that pretty much have a life in and out of prison to look forward to.  Their idiot parents were often the cause of police activity on our street.  My favorite incident involved the woman yelling at the guy and then throwing a BRICK through their front window.  Classy people.

Then we did another happy dance when the idiots next door to us moved (we could never keep track of just how many people lived in the house but they did NOT care about upkeep).  Jeremy told me the other day that they used to empty out their bong water from the second story window every morning.  Lovely. 

A new family has moved next door (a couple, their young teenage son and a grandmother).  While I don’t like how much they smoke (seriously – my lungs hurt just thinking about how much they smoke) – they clearly take pride in keeping up their house.  They’ve decorated with flowers and whatnot and they keep their area clean.  Gotta love that.

So we thought that perhaps the tides were changing in our favor.  Perhaps we wouldn’t be surrounded by a bunch of turds.

But then last Friday, as we watched the season finale of Project Runway on our DVR (and can you believe who won?  SO LAME) – we heard some loud knocking.  Loud knocking isn’t unusual but the knocking turned into pounding and then we heard the sound of a walkie talkie.  Jeremy ran to the window and that’s when we heard, “Open up, it’s the police!”

Awesome.

More pounding.  More yelling.  And then the police knocked the door down.  Then they took someone away in handcuffs.  Fun stuff.

Now onto yesterday.

I was letting my dogs out to do their business and one of the people from that house said hello (he was out back as well).  He’s always pretty friendly so I said hello back.  I was wearing a sweatshirt of my alma mater and he noted that he went there too.  Okey dokey. 

After about 3 minutes, he said, “Hi – can I ask you something?”

Uh oh.

Me:  Sure.
Neighbor:  As you know – the police knocked down my door last week.  I had to go buy a new door.  The lock I had bought for the door doesn’t fit.  Could I borrow $20 to buy a new lock?

Are you fucking kidding me.

Me:  Oh.  Well I don’t have any cash on me.  I never carry cash. 
Neighbor:  I understand.  I use my debit card mostly too.  Its just… I had to order a new one and it won’t be here for 10 days.
Me:  Oh.  well sorry.

Seriously?  Now this would be the second time a neighbor has asked us for cash.  In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about – my idiot next door neighbor knocked on our door durning Snowpocalypse in February and asked if we had any cash.  When we said we don’t ever have cash, he said he needed food.  What?  While I am generally a sympathetic person, this is the man that we had seen carrying six packs of cheap beer back into his house earlier that day.  No money for food but money for booze?  Suck it, Mike.

Do we look like an ATM machine?  I can tell you right now that we don’t give off the “we’re super friendly” vibe.  We keep to ourselves.  Christ – we didn’t even hand out candy to trick-or-treaters!  Sweet jebus.

And I’m hoping the fact that I never have cash on me resonates with that guy and he doesn’t think to ask me for money in the future.  What.the.fuck.

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