Mean Mom (I Really Do Hate Being Mean)

 So I reread what I wrote yesterday and have realized that it was a little mean-spirited.  I hope my readers don’t think that I hate Jeremy or that he’s a terrible dad / partner.  He’s great.  (and no, he didn’t tell me to write that either)

I think becoming a mom has made me somewhat meaner.  I feel a sense of entitlement when I go out now.  I expect people to be polite to me.  I expect people to hold the door open for me.  I expect people to f’n help me lift heavy things when they see I’m balancing a tiny (well not so tiny) baby.  I expect people to get out of my way when I’m trying to push my stroller through an aisle in a store (or farmer’s market).  I expect decency from other people.

What I feel like I’m getting is the treatment of a leper.  Even though I feel I’m mean – I’m ridiculously polite to people now.  When I was getting THE WORST customer service all day on Saturday, I never once raised my voice or copped a ‘tude.  I smiled politely.  I calmly explained myself.  I thanked them for their service.

When some motherf’er did EVERYTHING in his power to speed around me on the road because OHMYGODIHAVEABABYONBOARDSIGN, I looked at him and smiled.

My friend who is a mom to an almost 9 week old (and my future son-in-law) and I chatted yesterday about people in general.  She said she has noticed the treatment of moms that I often complain about but said she didn’t see it to the extent to which I see it.  And that made me question my own perceptions.  I really think that I just expected people to continue treating me as nicely as they did when I was pregnant and when that stopped, I just assumed they were a-holes.  (either that or my friend is just a nicer person than me or people are just nicer to her)

So now back to Jeremy.

I’ve read lots of blog posts of women gushing over their amazing partners and what amazing fathers they are to their children.  And EVERY SINGLE ONE of those posts makes me roll my eyes.

Yes, Jeremy is absolutely fantastic.  He was my rock during my post-delivery care (seriously – the man deserves a medal for all that he did).  He clearly loves his daughter.  He does what he can to help (including lots of diaper changes, getting stuff ready for daycare, playing with the baby, etc. etc.). 

But come on!  I doubt anyone’s partner is perfect.  I want to read about how someone’s partner rarely offers to clean bottles for you.  I want to hear about how often he complains about being tired.  Or how he tells you how you should hold/play with your kid.  I want to hear about how he never does the kid’s laundry or even his own.  (btw – these are not all things that Jeremy does… or always does)

Considering that Jeremy is still in school (while still working full-time) – I think he really does go above and beyond what some other dads that I know do for their wives and kids. 

But I’ve come to realize that this is where I start to feel like a single parent.  There are nights when he has class and he doesn’t get home until after 9pm.  It was definitely harder when I was on maternity leave and he’d leave for work at 7:30am and not get home until 9:30pm (and I definitely now have a lot of respect for stay  at home moms)  Still – I think this is where I have my “whoa is me” moments and feel the heavy burden of responsibility.

I knew what I was in for when I said I wanted a baby and he was only halfway through his program.  I guess I just wasn’t prepared for how much work a baby truly is (however I wouldn’t change it for the world).  Or even despite the work – I still can’t take a long extended break for myself because my own body betrays me.  I can’t be away from my baby or a breast pump for more than a few hours at a time without feeling the pain of engorgement.

So bear with me – I have a lot of moments lately where I feel sorry for myself or I feel angry at the world for not treating me like a queen.  I’m trying to get over that and over myself because I don’t want to be mean or angry.  I don’t like it.  I feel like I’m experiencing some baby blues but very post-partum at this point.  Is that normal?  I really need a mommy group.

My friend, upon me telling her that perhaps I’m just a much meaner person now, said that while I may think I’m meaner I definitely don’t treat my daughter poorly or ever show her signs of irritation in the human race.  And quite honestly – that is what is most important to me right now.

Ugh – how Debbie Downer was this post today?  Geez.  Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

9 Comments

Filed under Charm City Kim Breeds, Charm City Kim Rambles

9 responses to “Mean Mom (I Really Do Hate Being Mean)

  1. I think it is pretty normal as a new mom to feel that way. I still feel like that occasionally when Ryan has to be gone for work for any significant amount of time and I’m home alone. It is a challenge, and like you said you never get a break, even if you technically aren’t around the baby. Eventually it will get better, though! And if it doesn’t of course there is always help out there!

  2. If I blogged more frequently, I might vent about Brent more. ;) But because the slice of life I share seems so small, I tend to just share the good stuff. He’s an amazing dad, but he’s not without his moments. (Me, too.) I get irked, having to remind him to help me get Em ready when we leave the house, for example.

    Anyhow, my friend had warned me that she got such great treatment while she was pregnant, but once she had her babies, peeps weren’t so nice. So I kind of expected it. It really is amazing the dirty looks people give moms/families when they’re out and about.

    And it is difficult to take care of a little one without much of a break. By the time Brent comes in the door at 6:30-7, I’m like, “HERE! Play with her!”

  3. How about this story (if you’re looking for “look what the Dad did now” stories)…

    A friend of mine and her husband have a 4 week old baby. He swears she’s a fantastic sleeper, while his wife assures me it’s because he sleeps like a rock and doesn’t hear the baby wake up. AND, last week when he did wake to her crying at 4 a.m. his response was, “What’s her deal?” to which she responded, “She’s 2 weeks old, can’t talk and wants food. THAT is her deal.”

    I had to laugh. (Mostly because I’m not the one getting up at 4 a.m. or explaining why I’m getting up at 4 a.m.)

  4. I love that you’re real about this stuff. I know a lot of people have great partners, but I’m also pretty sure those partners aren’t perfect. I guess it’s just easier and more appealing to write about the good stuff. People are maybe afraid to write the bad for fear of being misunderstood. So I’m glad you write about when Jeremy isn’t perfect because you definitely write about when YOU’RE not perfect, so it balances out!

  5. I know what you mean about feeling alone. For the last couple months at his old job, Kyle was essentially working two full-time jobs. Any time he had off he was working his other job, sometimes working both in one day. It meant that not only did I not see him much, but all the chores and household duties fell to me. I knew that he was working and I couldn’t really ask him to do much in the way of chores, but it didn’t stop me from resenting him a little.

  6. Z

    Oh, I could have easily written this post… Yes, I have definitely noticed that people are no longer as nice now that the baby is no longer in my belly (and yes, it pisses me off to some degree, large or small depending on many other variables at the time of the occurrence)… And yes, I have definitely bitched at/about my husband on those days that I am stuck home alone with a crying baby who demands my boob every hour, and he’s off at work and then the gym and then work again, leaving me alone from 8am til 10pm and then comes home to bitch about having to take the dog out for his walk (which… I would LOVE to do, I don’t wanna be stuck at home with a whiny pup as well as baby, but I just had f-ing surgery, I *CAN’T* so don’t complain, no, just don’t!)

    Overall, everything is fantastic, my husband is wonderful, and this is a choice I/we made that I would never take back and do not at all regret… But at certain moments? When I’ve been alone for 12 hours and someone just let a door slam in my face and the baby wants to feed AGAIN, ohmygosh how can she eat so much?!?! Well, yeah. I may not bitch out loud or be rude, but hell yes, in my mind the rant is going strong!

  7. charmcitykim

    Thank you everyone for your comments! They made me feel so much better (and a lot less bitchy). :-) I’m glad I’m not alone!

  8. I just found your blog and I have to say that I have been riveted to the point of not hearing my son (until he repeated himself for the 10th time, I’m sure)! I KNOW that I’m a meaner person now that I’m a mother and I know that it’s because I demand perfection for my child…not for me.
    Anywho, you made me giggle and that constitutes a good day. =)

  9. Justine

    Kim, as someone who does not have a kid, I can only offer a perspective from there. The problem from where I sit is not that someone has a baby or has them out & about that can sometimes cause looks/ snarls from strangers. For me it is usually the sense of entitlement that comes with it, like “move the F out of my way, I have a stroller”. Or moms/ dads who let poorly behaved toddlers wreak havoc in restaurants etc without correcting them/ leaving. So as much as I think most normal people would be happy to hold a door open for anyone (baby or no baby), as soon as that air of entitlement wafts over, the desire to be extra helpful can dissipate just as fast. Of course it’s the kind thing to do to help anyone who is struggling in public, but if the appreciation is there, it’s enjoyable. If you’re being run over by a stroller on purpose with a lack of respect that you were standing there first & also have things to do, you may get a look. Or maybe we’re both just mean? ;) Always love reading your blog my dear!

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