So I reread what I wrote yesterday and have realized that it was a little mean-spirited. I hope my readers don’t think that I hate Jeremy or that he’s a terrible dad / partner. He’s great. (and no, he didn’t tell me to write that either)
I think becoming a mom has made me somewhat meaner. I feel a sense of entitlement when I go out now. I expect people to be polite to me. I expect people to hold the door open for me. I expect people to f’n help me lift heavy things when they see I’m balancing a tiny (well not so tiny) baby. I expect people to get out of my way when I’m trying to push my stroller through an aisle in a store (or farmer’s market). I expect decency from other people.
What I feel like I’m getting is the treatment of a leper. Even though I feel I’m mean – I’m ridiculously polite to people now. When I was getting THE WORST customer service all day on Saturday, I never once raised my voice or copped a ‘tude. I smiled politely. I calmly explained myself. I thanked them for their service.
When some motherf’er did EVERYTHING in his power to speed around me on the road because OHMYGODIHAVEABABYONBOARDSIGN, I looked at him and smiled.
My friend who is a mom to an almost 9 week old (and my future son-in-law) and I chatted yesterday about people in general. She said she has noticed the treatment of moms that I often complain about but said she didn’t see it to the extent to which I see it. And that made me question my own perceptions. I really think that I just expected people to continue treating me as nicely as they did when I was pregnant and when that stopped, I just assumed they were a-holes. (either that or my friend is just a nicer person than me or people are just nicer to her)
So now back to Jeremy.
I’ve read lots of blog posts of women gushing over their amazing partners and what amazing fathers they are to their children. And EVERY SINGLE ONE of those posts makes me roll my eyes.
Yes, Jeremy is absolutely fantastic. He was my rock during my post-delivery care (seriously – the man deserves a medal for all that he did). He clearly loves his daughter. He does what he can to help (including lots of diaper changes, getting stuff ready for daycare, playing with the baby, etc. etc.).
But come on! I doubt anyone’s partner is perfect. I want to read about how someone’s partner rarely offers to clean bottles for you. I want to hear about how often he complains about being tired. Or how he tells you how you should hold/play with your kid. I want to hear about how he never does the kid’s laundry or even his own. (btw – these are not all things that Jeremy does… or always does)
Considering that Jeremy is still in school (while still working full-time) – I think he really does go above and beyond what some other dads that I know do for their wives and kids.
But I’ve come to realize that this is where I start to feel like a single parent. There are nights when he has class and he doesn’t get home until after 9pm. It was definitely harder when I was on maternity leave and he’d leave for work at 7:30am and not get home until 9:30pm (and I definitely now have a lot of respect for stay at home moms) Still – I think this is where I have my “whoa is me” moments and feel the heavy burden of responsibility.
I knew what I was in for when I said I wanted a baby and he was only halfway through his program. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for how much work a baby truly is (however I wouldn’t change it for the world). Or even despite the work – I still can’t take a long extended break for myself because my own body betrays me. I can’t be away from my baby or a breast pump for more than a few hours at a time without feeling the pain of engorgement.
So bear with me – I have a lot of moments lately where I feel sorry for myself or I feel angry at the world for not treating me like a queen. I’m trying to get over that and over myself because I don’t want to be mean or angry. I don’t like it. I feel like I’m experiencing some baby blues but very post-partum at this point. Is that normal? I really need a mommy group.
My friend, upon me telling her that perhaps I’m just a much meaner person now, said that while I may think I’m meaner I definitely don’t treat my daughter poorly or ever show her signs of irritation in the human race. And quite honestly – that is what is most important to me right now.
Ugh – how Debbie Downer was this post today? Geez. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.