You Never Really Prepare For…

I wasn’t sure if I should write about this.  My head has been all over the place these last 2 days and I’ve been an emotional wreck at times and then I’m okay.  I’ve rolled my eyes at the idea of posting this type of thing on Facebook or Twitter because it would just fall in line with people’s updates/tweets about whatever stupid thing they’ve eaten or drank, whatever silly thing they want to complain about and it just diminishes everything about this situation.

My dad died yesterday.

While I’ve been saying for quite some time that I thought the end was near (my dad wasn’t eating much and his health has been steadily declining) – I just wasn’t prepared for this.  This came out of left field.  I spoke to him on Father’s Day and said, “Dad – are you giving up on me?” (meaning – is his eating a sign that he’s quitting on life?) And he said, “Not hardly.  I’ll go out kicking and screaming.”

Forgive this post – I’m finding it helpful for me to write this out.  I feel like the more I write or say what happened, the less I’ll sob about it.  So this post is more for me than informing my 4 readers about the situation.  You can stop reading now if you wish.

It started Friday morning.  I woke up and saw that I had missed a ton of calls from my mother.  I knew something was wrong.  I called her and she said my dad was in the hospital.  She said he had fallen and broken his ribs but that they rushed him to a hospital downtown.  That didn’t make sense to me (since broken ribs don’t usually require a hospital transport).  Instead of extreme worry – I was overcome with extreme anger.

He’s in the hospital again?!  God!  Why don’t they take care of themselves?!  I have to drive my mom to the hospital for what?  He’s just going to be released in a few days.

I was such an asshole about it that I didn’t even drive her to the hospital.  I was so angry that Jeremy ended up going.  I found out that my dad had taken a nasty fall (he had been falling quite a bit lately) but this one resulted in fractured ribs that led to a collapsed lung.  Still – they rushed him to shock trauma?  That doesn’t sound right.

Jeremy called me and said that I needed to get to the hospital.

My dad was heavily sedated and I was told that they discovered that a stent in my dad’s heart was leaking.  Was this a result of the fall?  Nobody knows.  But the leaking blood was putting pressure on an aneurism in his aorta (the reason he had the stent in the first place).  Now the question was how to proceed.  The aneurism was a “ticking timebomb” but my dad was in no condition of major surgery.

The hospital chose to monitor him.

I didn’t even go to see him on Saturday.  I dropped my mom off at the hospital and went to the pool.  And this is something I’ll have a really hard time forgiving myself for.

I went on Sunday.  At this point, they had to intubate him because the pressure building up in his aorta was cutting off his air supply.  So now he couldn’t talk at all.  He was even more sedated but would have moments where he was responsive.  He try to mouth some words (but with a tube hanging out, it was difficult to determine what he was saying) and he’d nod his head.

I spoke with a vascular technician and a cardiac surgeon.  They both presented similar scenarios and concern.  Both needed to come together with a plan of action.

My father, heavily sedated, was in and out of sleep so we left.  My mom said her sweet goodbyes and I kissed my dad on the forehead.

After I dropped my mom off at home, I received a call from the hospital.

Hi – um… about 10 minutes after you left, your father started bleeding really badly.  We did everything we could… and I’m sorry to say that he passed away.

I didn’t hear anything else.  I just started sobbing.  I handed the phone to Jeremy.  Apparently the aneurism in his aorta had erupted.

I broke the news to my mom and that was the hardest thing ever.  She sobbed uncontrollably for several hours.

We went back to the hospital to see my dad.  My mom spent and hour and half on top of my dad sobbing.  She yelled, “wake up!” a few times and then ap0logized profusely for leaving him.

So – that’s where I’m at.  I really thought I would be emotionally prepared for this but I’m not.  Are you ever?

27 Comments

Filed under Charm City Kim Rambles

27 responses to “You Never Really Prepare For…

  1. Oh, god, Kim. I’m so sorry for your loss. Even with looming, lingering, declining health one is never prepared to lose a parent. It hurts so much. I wish I could give you a hug right now. Sending so much love to you and your beautiful family. xoxo

  2. Oh honey. I wish I could give you a hug. Brooks lost his dad the day after Christmas. While it wasn’t the same situation as yours, he had not talked to his dad for three years. His dad was an alcoholic and in 2009 he told him that he couldn’t have him in his life as he was. In luly of last year his dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was October when we saw him for the first time. Brooks has lived with a lot of what ifs and maybes. His dad heard about Linden through his aunt seeing I was pregnant on facebook. I know none of this helps or is what you are going through, but I just wanted you to know that it is hard for everyone. You aren’t alone. Hug AM a little tighter tonite. HUGS.

  3. Kim, I am so sorry to hear it. You are in my thoughts. Whatever didn’t happen one day does not take away from all the days you were there and all the time and care you gave.

  4. That is one of those things no one is ever fully prepared for. He knows you love him and (if you believe) he is now watching over you and AM (hubby too). You can never have too many angels on your side. My heart goes out to you and your family. I’m sorry you were the one that had to tell your mom. You are so strong, even though crying seems to be the only thing you can do. Keep in mind of all the great memories you and your father shared as well as the time and smiled between him and AM. It’s such a blessing they were able to meet and play. <3

  5. CAG

    Kim I’m so sorry for your loss…:(

    My heart aches for ou because I can’t imagine what youre going through.

    Please know if you need ANYTHING I’m here. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  6. Traci

    You are incredibly strong for sharing this so openly and honestly. I can’t even imagine…

  7. Kim, I’m so sorry. No matter what, you can’t be prepared—and you couldn’t have known. He knows and you know that you loved him. My heart aches for you. Please keep us updated on how you’re doing. We’re here for you. xoxo

  8. Robert Bolton

    I’ve been close to three family deaths, and have regrets about all three. I actually had time to say goodbye to my mom, but couldn’t. The doctor advised that you don’t tell someone they are dying until they ask. He explained that she had 4 or 5 days to live, that we would need to decide whether to give her morphine or let her suffer if the pain started before she died. He said she was already taking all of the oxygen they could give her, and that the morphine would “affect her respiration.” So how do you tell your mom you love her, thank her for all she had done, tell your sorry for the times you’d done her wrong, on her deathbed, without ending up crying like a baby? So I didn’t tell her. We told the nurse to start the morphine when she said her fingers were hurting so bad she wanted them cut off. I watched the family entertain her till she said the lights were hurting her eyes. We let her rest, and she went away. There’s just no good way to lose someone that close. Your dad loved you. He knew you loved him. He wants you to be happy. That’s what he was trying to tell you.

  9. Amber

    Oh Kim, I seriously teared up reading this, and I’m mostly dead inside. I am SO sorry. Please forgive yourself for not seeing your dad on Saturday. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is do something to relax and step away from all the worry. I’m so sorry for your mom and you and your family. You are a wonderful daughter and have nothing to be sorry about. I really think your dad chose to wait until you left. He wanted it that way. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

  10. Libby

    Kim – I’m so sorry for your loss. You are never truly prepared – my thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

  11. maria

    sending love and hugs to you, jeremy, and am. i’m so sorry, kim.

  12. Lauren (athleat)

    I am so sorry for your loss. I still read and enjoy your blog…home on maternity leave now, so working on adjusting to life with a newborn.

    Anyways…thinking about you and your family during this difficult time.

  13. Tammy

    I am so sorry about your dad. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  14. Mary

    I am so, so very sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers heading your way.

  15. Oh Kim, I’m so sorry. Shit is so unfair, it just doesn’t make sense. I’m sorry for the way it happened, but you’re right, you can never be prepared. I wish there was a way to make it all go away and be better.

  16. Kelly

    So sorry to hear about your dad. Sending my condolences to you and your family.

  17. Drew

    You and your family are in my thoughts. I am sorry for your loss.

  18. Oh Kim I am so sorry. This is just fucking shitty. Even when you know it’s a distant possibility, you never can be prepared and I’m so, so sad you and your family lost him. I hope it gets better soon.

  19. I hope no one walks by my cube because I’m trying so hard to hold in tears. I cannot imagine what this must be like, and am sure you can never be truly prepared.

    Know that your Internet friends are thinking of you and your family.

  20. We’ve already talked (texted), but I want you to know I’m thinking about you and hoping you are okay. As Amber said, I think he waited for you to leave. My grandfather did the same thing. He got to see all of his grandchildren one more time, then soon after we left he passed. You know your dad always did things his way and I’m sure this was no different.

  21. Danielle H.

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Kim. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  22. R

    I just wanted to delurk to say I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

  23. Jaime

    I am so sorry for your loss, Kim! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you. Your readers care about you.

  24. Oh baby girl, my heart breaks for you. I can’t even begin to know the pain you’re feeling. Just know that you and your family have got a big ol’ place in my heart, and you stay there as long as you like.

  25. Oh, Kim, I’m so sorry to just see this, and I am so sorry for your and your family’s loss. You’re never prepared. There will always be what if moments, and while not easy, you’ll eventually be able to let them go. Big hugs to you.

  26. I’ve been away the past few weeks, so am just reading this now… I am so very, very sorry for your loss – hugs from far away for all of you!

  27. Kim, I am so sorry about the loss of your dad and the regrets you are feeling. Praying for you and your family and the peace of your heart.

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