I have not run in four weeks.
The Philadelphia Marathon is less than one month away.
I have missed the four very important endurance building training runs.
I have spent a good amount of money going to ART therapy three times a week for the last 2 1/2 weeks.
My knee pain is not anywhere near where it was when I first went to therapy. I can walk up and down stairs with no pain. I can bike with no pain. I can swim with no pain.
I cannot, however, use the elliptical machine 2 days in a row without experiencing residual pain later in the day.
I’m spiraling down into a deeper depression about this. While it seems absolutely absurd to be upset about NOT running 26.2 miles (because the idea of running that just seems insane), I just can’t help but feel sad. I feel lost. I set a goal. I trained smart. I didn’t push myself too hard. I stretched. I iced. I did everything right.
So why me? Why is this pain so awful? Why won’t my body just listen to my brain and just do what I want it to do? Yes – I get that this isn’t the end of the world. I can still walk. I still have my health. But I just don’t know how to explain it. This was something I really wanted to do. And yes, there’s always other marathons… but see, I have plans. I have timelines and things I had planned to do. I needed to do this next month. I needed to cross off this list item to feel accomplished.
One month of no running. I’m about to enter week 5 of no running. And then according to the marathon training guide, I’m supposed to taper. Taper?! From what? I haven’t run. My longest training run was 13.1 miles. I did it. I felt good. Is that enough to take me through to the marathon?
I mean, at what point do I admit defeat? I know I should… I just can’t. The idea of quitting upsets me beyond words. I’m actually not able to sleep because I’m just obsessing over this. I’m beginning to loathe runners when I see them merrily jogging down the street on a beautiful autumn day. I am filled with rage when someone tries to “relate” to my pain when what they experienced was either (1) nowhere near the pain I am experiencing or (2) they had to take a year off of running.
My ART therapist believes that I’ll still be able to run the marathon. In his words I “won’t be setting any records” but feels that it is totally reasonable to think I’ll make it through the marathon. Is he just blowing smoke up my ass so that I continue to pay for his services? Or is he really exercising his medical opinion? He’s a super nice guy so I want to believe him… i really do. But I’ve missed a month of training.
Yarg. Ugh. Blah. Grr! I just want to scream. I want to punch someone.
What’s even more annoying is that the Philadelphia marathon offers NO deferrments. Their downgrade (moving to a shorter distance race) requirement was Sept 30th.
I am just beyond frustrated at this point. But I am not ready to admit defeat.