So my idiot neighbor (the one that periodically throws food into my backyard and I shared a moment the other day.
When I got home from work, I let my dogs out into our backyard (aka the concrete jungle with a small patch of grass for them to do their business).
I immediately heard my neighbor’s back door open. I was irritated by this because he likes to antagonize my dogs while they go to the bathroom. I wish I was joking about that. I don’t understand why. Would he like it if I went into his bathroom and started yelling things at him while he was trying to take a shit? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t like it either. (Or I’d end up getting held hostage in a weird sex dungeon in his house… seriously, dude is creepy. We’re pretty sure he brings prostitutes to his house).
As I’m walking down the stairs of my back porch, I notice an article of clothing right at the base of my steps. At first I thought it was a t-shirt. And as I stepped closer I realized…
… it my creepy neighbor’s underwear! TIGHTY WHITEY underwear!
He leaned over the fence and politely asked if I’d hand him back his underwear. They had blown into my backyard that day (during the crazy wind gusts happening in Baltimore).
So f’n gross.
I picked them up by the elastic band with just 2 fingers and handed them back to him.
And then I dipped my hand in bleach.
Okay, I didn’t do that last part but I definitely scrubbed my hands like Lady MacBeth.