The long awaited post about the Poconos is here!
So, as I mentioned previously – Jeremy surprised me on my birthday with a 2 night getaway to the world’s cheesiest hotel in the Poconos. He recalled me saying (a long time ago) that I thought it would be hilarious to stay in a hotel with a champagne glass bath tub. Because this pregnancy has left me without the ability to do a lot of the things I wanted to do (most notably go white water rafting) – Jeremy planned this very unexpected surprised.
I was surprised that the Poconos was about 4 hours north of Baltimore. For some reason, I always thought it was closer. My ass was killing me by the time we got to the hotel but seeing this sign made it all worth it:
We took that picture on day 2 because day 1 stated that Lewis Black was performing that night. But the giant hot pink hearts really had me laughing.
After spotting this giant heart, I knew I was in for a real treat!
The slogan of Cove Haven is, “Love Lives Here” and omg – they really beat this into your brain.
This slogan was everywhere. Hearts were EVERYWHERE. If you didn’t believe in love, god dammit – they were going to MAKE YOU.
As cheesy as this hotel is (in terms of the hearts everywhere) – they are surprisingly pricey! But apparently it has to do with the fact that they have so much crap to do – you never have to leave. They have a driving range, several pools, boating, indoor tennis, arcades, ARCHERY…
… they also had entertainment every night (for free if you were a guest). As I mentioned before, Lewis Black was there. He was hilarious. But even MORE hilarious was the “opening band” – Group D’Jour. They were a middle-aged cover band (I don’t think a single band member was under the age of 45 and they ranged in looks from an aging Kevin Smith to the missing member of the Bee Gees) that sang songs from the Black Eyed Peas, Outkast, and Lady Gaga. It was brilliant.
Anywho – the rooms. Oh the rooms. For as expensive as this hotel is – you’d think the rooms would be posh. Holy hell. The rooms are liking walking through a time machine to 1983.
They couldn’t even be bothered to update their wedding sign to something more current.
The rooms were equipped with formica EVERYTHING. We stayed in the Cleopatra rooms (not sure why there was an Egyptian theme to this section of the hotel) because they were the only rooms with the champagne glass tub:
And there were mirrors EVERYWHERE in the room… including above the ROUND bed:
I really could go on and on… but I’ll stop here. Aside from the massive “love theme” everywhere – they managed to make everything sexual. Their gift shop? About a 1/3 of it was super dirty sex stuff (including a penis pump… why?). The actual candy store was hidden below the gift shop as though candy was the dirty thing nobody should see upfront.
I was also really shocked by the number of return visitors. If you return more than 4 times, you’re considered a “forever lover”… and there were a ton of them! It made me sad that they didn’t want to try a different sort of vacation.
So there you have it – we stayed at a place that claimed “Love Lives Here” only to discover that it really died there in 1983.