Pregnancy Confession

Thank you everyone for your nice words and congratulations on my big news and the big reveal.  And thank you for continuing to read my blog despite it somehow turning into a pregnancy blog even thought I said I wouldn’t make it one. 

While I am thrilled about this pregnancy (even with all of its quirks and craziness) – I have a confession to make.  I thought about whether I should blog about this or not because I am going to come off as a big ol’ ungrateful turd.  However, I try to be as honest as possible about my thoughts on this blog and if I can talk incessantly about farting – I shouldn’t hold this back either.

After the big reveal about bambino – I was really disappointed.  You read that correctly.  Disappointed.  I wanted a boy.  I want a boy. 

I had my little guy’s name picked out.  I had visions of my life with my little boy and upon reading the news on Friday – I thought, “this has to be a mistake.”

And then I felt like an instant asshole and terrible person for not jumping up and down for joy over the news.  So I figured maybe I just needed the news to sink in for a few days.  But a few days have passed and I am still feeling a bit sad about it.

Saturday and Sunday were terrible.  I was sad the entire weekend and even claimed at one point to Jeremy that I felt completely disconnected to the baby inside of me.  She wasn’t what I had dreamed about.  She wasn’t what I had intended.  She wasn’t what I wanted.  I wanted a boy.

I shared these feelings with some friends and they all said the same thing:
Think of all the cute clothes you can buy!

My brother even said, “how lucky!”  When I asked how I was lucky, he said, “You’ll be able to relate to your child now.”

So what do I have against girls?  Obviously girls aren’t bad.  I am one.  My mother is one.  Without girls – we wouldn’t have mothers.  I understand all of that.  My problem is that girls turn into little shits when they hit their preteen and teen years.  How do I know this?  I WAS ONE. 

I was a nightmare during my teen years.  I was horrible.  I stayed pretty horrific until my early 20’s.  I don’t want to give birth to another me. 

Jeremy’s sister also admits to being a complete nightmare during these years. 

This means horrible-ness in girls is in my baby’s DNA!

According to my brother, knowing the shit I was up to when I was a teen, I should be able to stop it all in my child.  But can I?  As a teen – I was pretty unstoppable.

My brother also pointed out that boys on my side of the family are quite the nightmare too (and I don’t disagree – my brother was and is still considered quite scary).  The men on Jeremy’s side (well at least him and his dad) are amazing.  They’re thoughtful and polite.  They’re smart.  They’re loving.  So I had a good shot at having a good son.

But now a daughter?  My world has been turned upside down.  And all the while – I feel an immense amount of guilt about it.

Saturday, I was in DC all day with a friend helping out another friend.  She was pointing out all the cute little girls and their cute little dresses.  And really – little girls’ clothing is so much cuter.

And then I came home and saw these.  Jeremy went out and picked up 2 baby girl outfits to lift my spirits because how can you resist not melting when you see these?
Newborn outfit
Newborn outfit
3 month outfit

While I started to warm up just a tad – I was still feeling bummed.  I don’t want an overly pink room.  I don’t want my daughter in head to toe pink all the time (Jeremy pointed out that it was nearly impossible to locate an “I Love Mommy” girl’s outfit that wasn’t pink).  But then yesterday I saw this and I nearly cried:

Then I read this and this.  Both articles made me feel better about feeling the way I do and helped me to shift my thinking.

So – the idea of having a daughter is growing on me.  I have been envisioning a mini-me that is a musical genius (mainly a piano prodigy) but also an athlete (that part will be Jeremy’s influence).  My daughter will grow up to be a doctor that cures cancer and Alzheimer’s (both things that plague my family).  So obviously – we need to find a great name.

Picking a name is an entirely different issue because holy hell – there are SO MANY great names to choose from!

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9 Comments

Filed under Charm City Kim Breeds

9 responses to “Pregnancy Confession

  1. That fear is one of the other major reasons I never want to have kids. Babies are cute and all, but I know what a holy terror I was when I was about…10-19, and I know what a holy terror Kyle was when he was the same age. No matter what you do, your child will one day turn into an obnoxious, ungrateful little asshole who hates you, despite all the wonderful things you’ve done for them in the past. C’est la vie.

    Oh, also, if you name your little girl Becky or Ashley, I will have to hate her before she’s even out of your belly. I’ve never met an Ashley or a Becky that I liked, but I’ve met a lot that I hate.

  2. THANK YOU for sharing this. I feel the exact same way. Well, I can’t say that I currently feel that way since I’m not pregnant, but I want a boy SO BADLY as my first child that I think I might be a *little* devastated if I have a girl.

    My fiancé is one of four boys who just adore their mother and I have an older brother and always wanted a boy first so that if I DO have a girl, she’ll have one, too.

    I completely understand, and yes, of course you’re happy and thrilled regardless, but it’s okay to have that disappointment.

  3. Carrie

    I have one word for you when you think girls are bad during adolescence…Zach. I have always been my dad’s favorite. He was expecting another boy and when I was born he took me into the other room and cried his eyes out from happiness. Do you have any girl names picked out? I was the opposite and had Ethan’s name set in stone to be Emma Amelia. Whoops. I liked the idea of a mini-me. Instead I got an awesome boy that doesn’t look anything like me, but CLEARLY has Doug’s and my personality. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

  4. This is precisely the reason I used to be more inclined to wait until birth to find out the sex of my (as of yet un-conceived) children b/c I thought that the wave of oxytocin our bodies produce after labor to bond us to our offspring would make me not burst into tears if I were to hear the words “it’s a boy”. I know myself too well and know I’d be disappointed. B/c you see, you and I are opposite. I’ve wanted 2 little girls to my very core for YEARS. I come from a 2 girl family and the husband and I have PERFECT names picked out and yadda, yadda, yadda. Again I say, I’m not even pregnant! BUT everyone is convinced I will have boys, and I’m coming around to the idea of finding out before birth and OMG all baby clothes are cute and we’re going to love our children no matter their gender b/c they’re tiny pieces of us. 🙂

    Bottom line: don’t feel bad b/c your preconceived notions wanted a boy. we all have horrible, terrible secrets and disappointments and you’re so brave to put it out there! 🙂

  5. As I first read this, I thought, “What?!?” But then when you got to your reasoning, I thought, “Ohhhhhh. THAT makes sense.” Seriously! Your fears are totally understandable. I, on the other hand, was not much of a handful AT ALL as a teen, so I didn’t have those concerns.

    I’m sure by the time she arrives, you’ll be too busy loving all over her to be sad that she’s not a boy. And if it takes a little while for you two bond, that’s completely normal, too!

  6. I (not pregnant) want a boy first too. I always wanted an older brother, my sisters and I hated each other and the DRAMA. My husband wants to find out with kids but I don’t. My only reason for wanting to find out is the fear that if is a baby of the opposite gender I would be disappointed instead of happy I have a healthy baby. I think you may have just convinced me to find out early so that I can get the sad over with.

    The honesty? I love it. Others should quit with the bs of happy healthy baby, everyone wants a happy healthy baby. Some of us just want a happy healthy boy and others want a happy healthy girl!

  7. Before my big sonogram everyone in the world thought I was having a girl. My mom went as far as to start having things made in pink. Because everyone was telling me I was having a girl… I wanted a girl. Our first sonogram was inconclusive so we went in for another and, sure enough, it was aaaaaaaall boy. It took me a couple of weeks to let go of the whole “girl” idea. It’s healthy to feel that way and even after you have the baby, to not feel “connected”– after all, it’s a little stranger that you have there. The more time you spend with them, the more you start seeing yourselves in them… the more you fall in love. Give it time.

  8. My confession; I didn’t want my 3rd child, ironically a boy! Seriously I struggled through the pregnancy with knowing I was having a child that I did not want. I found out I was having another child when I went to the doctor about a tubal ligation. I had an appointment to see what I could do to avoid having a child because I was so DONE, after checking me the doctor asked if I could be pregnant. I said I didn’t think so but he wanted to check. Sure enough, I was pregnant! I couldn’t have had the tubal anyway because NC law requires 3 children and you be the age of 25.

    What your feeling was normal. LOTS of women feel that way then we feel like absolute crap because we think we are supposed to be excited and all. Guess what? NO! We aren’t just female but human. Things do change though. My son is very much a momma’s boy and I no longer feel like I don’t want him in my life. As your girl grows in that belly the bond will grow as you prep for her arrival!

  9. Not having had children, and not planning to birth children, I can’t relate much. BUT! I do think there is nothing wrong with your feelings. AND! I can’t wait to see what you name her.

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