Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Thanks for not telling me I’m a super turd about yesterday’s confession.  I really am starting to get excited about having a daughter.  One helpful strategy I’ve employed is thinking of all the negative things that come with raising a boy like…

  • The circumcision debate.  I didn’t realize this was a hot button topic but in looking at the pregnancy forums, some women are up in arms about this.  I just grew up in a culture where circumcision was the norm.  The first time I ever encountered a non-cut wang, I actually had to ask one of my FRIENDS what was wrong with it.  I drew her a picture and everything.  And in my defense – I was 19.  Cut me some slack.  I’m more mature now.  Sort of.

But apparently there is a movement to stop cutting foreskin.  Women link medical research and blah blah blah.  I chatted about this with Jeremy and he said he’d prefer it if our son was cut.  I asked why.  He said it was what he knew.  And I laughed really hard when he said, “I wouldn’t know how to tell him to ‘wash it'”. 

  • Little boys are at risk of having toilet seats slam down on their wieners as they are potty training!!  I saw this in an issue of Parenting magazine (my MIL bought me a subscription) and my brain couldn’t even wrap around how to handle this situation.  The poor mom said blood was squirting out.  I imagine her son would be terrified of using a toilet again!  I even GOOGLED “toilet seat slamming on penis” and there are tons of parent posts about this.  Who knew it was an epidemic?
  • Still talking about potty training, I wasn’t sure how to potty train a boy.  At what point do they learn to stand?  That is beyond my realm of expertise.  I had to ask Jeremy about this.  So now I’ve dodged that bullet.
  • Boys can pee in your face as you change their diaper.  They have an aiming device. 

Apparently all of my cons are related to penises. 

Now looking at the bright side of having a daughter…

  • She will be more likely to ensure I am well taken care of as an elderly person.  She’ll house me in a nice nursing home and probably keep in touch with me.
  • Apparently little girls tend to listen better to rules and are generally more well-behaved.  We shall see.  I threw some epic temper tantrums in the store.
  • Dads with little girls are ridiculously precious.
  • This is the first grand-daughter of my in-laws.  Hopefully this means she’ll be spoiled rotten.  🙂
  • Little girl dresses seem fairly easy to sew.  Maybe I WILL actually start sewing!

I can’t think of the pros without thinking of some cons. So here are my thoughts on the bad that comes with little girls and how I plan to combat them…

  • She could end up 16 and pregnant.  I have nothing against young mothers but if my little girl ends up going off her chosen path of being a doctor well… we’re going to have some issues.  Some suggestions I’ve received are:
    * smash up birth control pills and slip them in her food.
    * don’t pay for her braces.  There is a good chance my daughter will have some jacked up teeth (this runs in Jeremy’s family) so I could just make her undesirable.  Or I could go the extreme other way and make sure she wears headgear.
    * pray that she is a lesbian.
  • We have to pay for a wedding.  I guess I should just start saving now?  Or somehow spend my life encouraging her to go for a small wedding or maybe even tell her how her father and I paid for our own wedding because we were adults.  I’m going to reinforce the importance of financial independence!


Filed under Charm City Kim Breeds

4 responses to “Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

  1. Meredith

    You continue to crack me up with you train of thought when it comes to these things. The nursing home one was too funny. Have you considering home schooling so your daughter won’t have the opportunity to date at 16? And ankle lenght skirts with turtlenecks all year round? 🙂

    I was the first grandchild on both sides of my family so, yes, I was ridiculously spoiled. It lasted 32 years…and then my cousin had to go and have the most adorable little girl who came along and stole my thunder. Oh well. I had a pretty good run!

  2. Teach her that men find farting sexy, especially if she lifts her leg first.

  3. I HATE the circumcision debate. In my eyes, it’s a personal decision…..and I didn’t circumcise our son. I can’t imagine running around telling moms whether or not they should do it. UGH!

    When I was still in the hospital recuperating I had the family over. Little man was in the bassinet and I was changing him. Like a dork I needed something across the room so I ran to get it. Left him butt naked. My eldest peered over the bassinet at her new brother and as she did, a golden arch appeared. She screamed and ran and got away unscathed. I sat down and just laugh my butt off. And when I had him? My mother in law was in labor room with me. She started squealing “You got a boy you got a boy!”. We didn’t know sex so when they put him on my belly I kept staring at his penis. Not in a gross molester sort of way, I kept thinking if I looked away that he would lose his penis somehow and become a girl. Then he peed on me and I figured it was set in stone.

    Dads with girls are extremely precious. My hubs was feeding our oldest in her high chair one night. I had been at work and I walked into to him doing this little booty shake dance and singing some Elvis to her. She was clapping and smiling up at him. My hubs is a big man, stands at 6’3 and is 350lbs. I cracked up it was so darn cute!

    A pro – women will rule the household, for at least a while.
    A con – they get over dramatic once they hit tween years.

  4. Maybe she’ll be a modern woman who doesn’t except her parents to pay for her wedding. Hopefully she’ll marry a modern man who agrees.

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