Do I Look Like an ATM (why I don’t like my neighbors)

I don’t think I hide the fact that I don’t like the majority of my neighbors.  While I do have some very nice neighbors, they are outnumbered by the number of turds on my street.

Recently, Jeremy and I did a little happy dance when the turdiest couple moved.  There were a couple of kids in that house that pretty much have a life in and out of prison to look forward to.  Their idiot parents were often the cause of police activity on our street.  My favorite incident involved the woman yelling at the guy and then throwing a BRICK through their front window.  Classy people.

Then we did another happy dance when the idiots next door to us moved (we could never keep track of just how many people lived in the house but they did NOT care about upkeep).  Jeremy told me the other day that they used to empty out their bong water from the second story window every morning.  Lovely. 

A new family has moved next door (a couple, their young teenage son and a grandmother).  While I don’t like how much they smoke (seriously – my lungs hurt just thinking about how much they smoke) – they clearly take pride in keeping up their house.  They’ve decorated with flowers and whatnot and they keep their area clean.  Gotta love that.

So we thought that perhaps the tides were changing in our favor.  Perhaps we wouldn’t be surrounded by a bunch of turds.

But then last Friday, as we watched the season finale of Project Runway on our DVR (and can you believe who won?  SO LAME) – we heard some loud knocking.  Loud knocking isn’t unusual but the knocking turned into pounding and then we heard the sound of a walkie talkie.  Jeremy ran to the window and that’s when we heard, “Open up, it’s the police!”


More pounding.  More yelling.  And then the police knocked the door down.  Then they took someone away in handcuffs.  Fun stuff.

Now onto yesterday.

I was letting my dogs out to do their business and one of the people from that house said hello (he was out back as well).  He’s always pretty friendly so I said hello back.  I was wearing a sweatshirt of my alma mater and he noted that he went there too.  Okey dokey. 

After about 3 minutes, he said, “Hi – can I ask you something?”

Uh oh.

Me:  Sure.
Neighbor:  As you know – the police knocked down my door last week.  I had to go buy a new door.  The lock I had bought for the door doesn’t fit.  Could I borrow $20 to buy a new lock?

Are you fucking kidding me.

Me:  Oh.  Well I don’t have any cash on me.  I never carry cash. 
Neighbor:  I understand.  I use my debit card mostly too.  Its just… I had to order a new one and it won’t be here for 10 days.
Me:  Oh.  well sorry.

Seriously?  Now this would be the second time a neighbor has asked us for cash.  In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about – my idiot next door neighbor knocked on our door durning Snowpocalypse in February and asked if we had any cash.  When we said we don’t ever have cash, he said he needed food.  What?  While I am generally a sympathetic person, this is the man that we had seen carrying six packs of cheap beer back into his house earlier that day.  No money for food but money for booze?  Suck it, Mike.

Do we look like an ATM machine?  I can tell you right now that we don’t give off the “we’re super friendly” vibe.  We keep to ourselves.  Christ – we didn’t even hand out candy to trick-or-treaters!  Sweet jebus.

And I’m hoping the fact that I never have cash on me resonates with that guy and he doesn’t think to ask me for money in the future.  What.the.fuck.


Filed under Charm City Kim Rambles

5 responses to “Do I Look Like an ATM (why I don’t like my neighbors)

  1. prettylittlereckless

    that’s pretty crazy and uh- WHO DOES THAT!? It sounds like he was pretty casual about the police knocking down his door. Like, “oh yeah, so that happened.” People are just insane sometimes. You have to wonder how they were raised if they think it’s ok to ask anyone for a handout. My friend’s neighbor asked her to look after her kid for awhile and only left ONE diaper and a bottle. THEN my friend had to call the mom at 11pm asking where she was. The kid ended up spending the night at my friend’s place. Laaame!

    Hopefully your neighbors will behave more in the future!

  2. Meredith

    Ugh don’t mention PR…still seething over that one!

    So my neighborhood is in the county and looks cute and quiet and peaceful should you drive by but apparently that is not the case. There is a couple who calls the paramedics on a weekly basis to their house…you know whenever they took too many pills and need a ride to the ER to get their stomach pumped. Then there is a renter on the end who called the cops claiming she was mugged and punched in the face which turned out to be a complete fabrication because she was behind on rent (she claimed she had the rent money in cash in her stolen purse). And just last week I went to take the dog out at 10pm and I see a guy walking around with a golf club. He tells me to go inside because someone had just tried to break into his house and he was looking for him…incidentally that turned out to be another lie! AND my favorite, the neighborhood dealer who went I mentioned to the police when they were in the neighborhood because his dog attacked another that we suspected he was dealing said, ‘ oh yeah we know he is’.

    That being said, I guess since no one has asked me for cash I should consider myself lucky!

  3. What the hell? I would be so embarrassed to ask someone for money. I don’t even like asking Kyle for cash! (Which is why usually I don’t ask.)

  4. I hate my neighbors too! The other day one of them sent their 8 year old daughter over to bang on our door. When I opened it she said, “My momma say, do you got any cigarettes?”


  5. Sarah

    haha – gotta love Baltimore, right? I never see any of my neighbors (but I live in a condo building). Luckily!

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