Pregnancy #2 and the Guilt that Comes with It

I think it comes as no surprise that I feel guilty about stuff. I’m easily guilted into things and just feel guilty ALL OF THE TIME. I think my mom has done a real bang-up job on hammering the whole guilt thing into me (despite how mean people think I can be to her).

I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt lately around caring for my mom, not making more of my last few months wtih my dad (because, really, who knew he was going to die?) and now? Now I feel guilty about having another baby.

I want another child. I’ve wanted this since AM was a few months old. I wanted her to have a sibling somewhat close in age so that she’d always have someone to play with. She’d always have someone who can relate to her when she complains about her horribly embarrassing parents. And especially, she’d have someone to help her manage her ailing parents when we’re too old to care for ourselves (or when I inevitably get Alzheimer’s or cancer as I’m predicting will happen to me).

I found out I was pregnant in mid May. I spent the first 2 weeks in shock. I wanted it but I guess I just wasn’t anticipating that it would happen for a few more months. Then I went into a fury about MOVING. We had to move. We had no space in our house. So for a few weeks, I obsessed over real estate. And then, my dad died. And I sort of spiraled into this feeling of hopelessness. My dreams of moving to the ideal suburban area was crushed and I was now faced with caring for a 67 year old woman who was grieving.

And then just like that, I was nearly half way through this pregnancy.

Guys. I am nearly (and I’m talking just days away) from being officially halfway through my pregnancy.

I feel guilty that I should be making more out of the time we have left as a family of 3. We should be soaking up every moment of having just 1 child (and her experiencing the joys of being an only child).

I feel guilty that when the new baby arrives, AM will not longer have my undivided attention. My attention is now divided and will always be going forward.

I feel guilty that I may miss some wonderful things AM says and does because my attention is now spread.

Did we rush this? Should we have waited until she was a little older?

Sometimes I look at AM and I get a little teary-eyed. She is my baby. Even when she’s throwing an epic temper tantrum (like she did last week at the mall complete with flailing around on the ground), I still look at her as my one and only. How will this dynamic change with another child?

So yeah. Lots of mom guilt going on right now.

And even worse? I still can’t devote making the most out of having just 1 child. Our free time now is devoted to helping my mom, cleaning out her house, etc. We’re always so busy now. And my heart breaks a little more each time I realize that this time is moving at warp speed.

(not to get all artsy fartsy but I thought the blurriness of this photo perfectly captured how I feel about AM’s rapid growth.)

Every night before I go to bed, I go into AM’s room and look at her sweet sleeping face. I usually put my hand on her chest or back to feel her heartbeat. I realize that this sounds absolutely insane, but I can’t help myself. Those are the minutes I take to soak in my only child. With all of this guilt mounting, I find myself getting choked up when I do this crazy routine. Will this change when I’m balancing 2 kids?

And the other guilt I feel is the guilt over the fact that I feel guilty! Gah! I can’t win. I feel guilty about feeling guilty about pregnancy #2 when there are people I know struggling to conceive AT ALL and here I am with another wee one on the way. Or friends who would love to expand their family but specific circumstances prevent them from doing so right now.

How do some people go through life without feeling guilty over everything?

Advertisements

Catching Up

I know I alluded to lots of changes happening in the Charm City household… and these changes have been keeping me busy. And then coupling that with the fact that daycare has been closed these past 2 weeks, I haven’t had any time to blog.

So this is just a quick catch up for those that may still be checking in.

I actually did a photo dump from our small point and shoot camera the other day and totally forgot that we had pictures from our trip to Washington, D.C. on there. We did a quick tour of D.C. with my aunt who was in town for my dad’s funeral since she’d never been to Maryland or D.C. before. And it was balls hot out that day. Like 100 degrees hot.

I was worried that AM wouldn’t last but she was a little trooper. Next time though, I’ll hold off on touring cities until it is much cooler.

It is crazy to look back at a photo from just a little over a month ago and realize that (1) AM no longer fits into the shoes she was wearing in the photo and (2) she no longer users the pacifier outside of the house. So many changes. Seriously though – her feet are growing like crazy this summer.

More recently, we visited the Maryland Zoo last week. It is hard to plan this types of outings with AM now since she naps from 12pm – around 3pm every day. We hate disrupting this because her mood definitely is impacted based on whether she had a good nap or not. This means we usually have to split our activities to things in the morning and things in the late afternoon/early evening.

We figured AM would only be into the zoo for like 2 hours anyways and we were so wrong.

She did a lot of this:

And this:

And some more of this:

It was really difficult to pull her away from exhibits. She’d see an animal, point and say something. She would also insist that I hold her up so she could get a better look. And for some reason she was all about ME holding her up this day and not dad.

And the ONLY way we could get her to move on to the next area was with the promise of her seeing “more animals”. (She now says “more” and completely understands the concept)

We actually had to trick her into leaving the zoo willingly by saying we were going to go see “more” (we didn’t say animals but she isn’t hip to our word trickery just yet). When we got halfway to the parking lot you could see the instant she realized we were leaving and she had a total meltdown. I think it is safe to say that she likes looking at animals.

We also took her to her 18 month check-up and learning that she’s still measuring in the 90-95% for height and weight (yowza!). Apparently she’s measuring on point with the average height of a 27 month old. That is insane to me. Our pediatrician also made some comment about how we’ll probably end up having 4-6 kids. Um… let’s see how we do with 2 first.

Lastly – I haven’t really been posting stuff on Facebook. I think right around the time my dad died, I didn’t want to share his death as a status update and get inundated with messages of condolences from people with which I don’t keep in close contact. But that also means I haven’t shared my pregnancy news either. I went to a baby shower this past weekend completely forgetting the fact that I haven’t seen many people in awhile and I think it shocked a few folks. It is amazing how much people rely on Facebook for news on friends. (and I totally rely on it to stalk people!)

Do you share big news on Facebook? Do you enjoy “stalking” old friends and acquaintances as much as I do?

Comparing Pregnancies

I was warned by my OB during my first pregnancy that all pregnancies are different. She wasn’t just referring to pregnancies of various women, she also meant that the same woman can have very different pregnancies.

Here are just a few of the big difference I’ve been experiencing:

Morning Sickness:
Pregnancy 1: Had nausea but no vomiting for a few weeks in the first trimester. I survived on saltines.
Pregnancy 2: Extreme nausea followed by vomiting. There were a couple of weeks where I couldn’t hold anything down except potatoes and white rice.

Energy:
Pregnancy 1: Exhaustion in first trimester but then felt great once I entered the 2nd trimester.
Pregnancy 2: Exhaustion ALL THE TIME. Holy balls, I’m tired.

Fitness:
Pregnancy 1: Worked out at least 5 days a week that always included at least 30 minutes of non-stop cardio (either running or elliptical). I was jogging at least 30 minutes non-stop until 2 weeks before I gave birth.
Pregnancy 2: Did you see my comments about energy? Granted, a lot of this has to do with scheduling now that we have a toddler so I’m not able to get to the gym first thing in the morning 5 days a week (just 2 right now). And I can’t seem to jog non-stop for extended periods of time. The best I can eek out now is jogging 1 mile then walking 1/4 mile. I try to jog for a total of 3.25 miles.

Weight Gain:
Pregnancy 1: I gained a total of 23 pounds.
Pregnancy 2: Obviously I still have a ways to go but based on my 14 week weigh-in, I’m 3 lbs ahead of where I was last time. This shocked me due to my extreme sickness in the beginning… but then I remembered how little I was working out and how much I’m grazing now.

Belly:
Pregnancy 1: I don’t think my belly actually “popped” until about 17 weeks. I just looked thick in the middle for awhile.
Pregnancy 2: I’d say my belly “popped” at 10 weeks. THIS IS F’N CRAZY.

Pain:
Pregnancy 1: I didn’t experience any real physical discomfort until I got quite large (towards the end of my 2nd trimester). I had issues with sciatica.
Pregnancy 2: I’m achy all the time although I think this is just attributed to my low energy. I’ve had my back “go out” twice already (I’m currently experiencing some serious issues).

The other thing about this pregnancy is that I’m already seeing how baby #2 is getting jipped. Before I had posted my exciting pregnancy news all over Facebook, I had printouts of the sonogram all over my desk and documented my belly growth every week (in The Belly Book).

For this pregnancy? I haven’t posted anything on Facebook (although that has more to do with my general distaste for FB these days). I haven’t posted any sono pics at my desk (although they’re on my refrigerator!). As for a belly book? Ha!

Granted, I’ve been under an extreme amount of stress this past month with my dad dying and dealing with caring for my mother (that is a post for another day). So maybe some of the exhaustion and pain is related to the stress.

And now for some recent pictures of Annmarie…

Annmarie was trying to climb up this structure but it just looks like she’s surfing.

This was taken by the Vietnam War Memorial in DC. It looks like she’s having a “moment” with the statue.

She really enjoys climbing into the toy box at my mom’s house. I don’t get it.

Having a Shitty Time

One of the downsides of cloth diapering is dealing with certain types of poop. While most of Annmarie’s bowel movements are “solid” and easily flushable, there are times when the poop is not that cooperative.

I found myself on Monday night handwashing poop out of Annmarie’s diapers. The diaper sprayer wasn’t doing an effective job. I literally had my hands in her shit and was washing/scraping out the poopy bits in the toilet (because I can’t put it in the washing machine like that).

If that doesn’t define a mother’s love, I don’t know what does. And I sort of feel like I need to call my mom to tell her I love her.

You can say the same thing about pets. Due to the heavy rain, my dogs would not do their business outdoors. This means I came home to poop in their kennel. After scrubbing out the poop and bathing the dogs, I found myself handwashing poop out of Annmarie’s diapers again.

So there. My life has been shit for the past couple of days.

And yet despite all of this – I want another baby. Annmarie certainly keeps me on my toes and she is definitely starting to push the boundaries of her independence… but I look back on pictures of her as a newborn and get weepy. I hear of new pregnancies and my body aches a little bit. I think of my current situation as my parents’ future sole caregiver (since I’m pretty much an only child) and feel sad that I don’t have a sibling.

Guys, to quote Marisa Tomei…

my biological clock is ticking like this (imagine me stomping my foot).

If you’re wondering where this is coming from – this has been brewing for awhile but one of my favorite bloggers (whose son is a month and a half older than Annmarie) just announced her pregnancy. I’m trying not to get crazy emotional (just ask Jeremy about the first experience of trying to get pregnant – lots of hysteria on my part) but it isn’t getting any easier. I’m also staring down the age of 32. I know that isn’t ancient but once you cross 35, you get placed in a different maternal health category (i.e. you are considered a higher risk patient due to your age. ouch.)

I wish I had something more upbeat to write about but this has been eating away at me for awhile. I can’t not share this part of me because I really have nothing else to write about (outside of Annmarie stuff but I don’t want to bore everyone with just AM updates).

I’ll end this with pictures of Annmarie!

Annmarie enjoys going in the dogs’ kennel and hanging out. She usually shuts the door to the gate and sits in there for a few minutes. I think the dogs sometimes worry that she’s taking over their special space.

One of her new things that she’s been doing is grabbing my hand and pulling me to where she wants to go. If I’m sitting on the couch or the floor, she’ll grab my hand and tug until I get up. Then she’ll walk over to wherever (usually the kitchen for food).

What’s been on your mind lately?

On Wanting a Big Family

I hung out with one of my childhood friends yesterday. I hadn’t seen her in years (because she doesn’t live in the area anymore) so when she called to say she was in the area visiting her parents, I didn’t hesitate to take a half day at work.

My friend has 5 kids. They are 8, 7, 6, 2 and 18 months old. The first 3 were born 14 months apart.

When I hear “5 kids”, I just think, “that is crazy!“, “how exhausting!“, “I couldn’t do that.”

But let me tell you… my friend’s kids were SO sweet. They were rambunctious and fun. They all got along great. They all looked out for each other. They were SO sweet with Annmarie (despite Annmarie sometimes swatting at them).

Guys. It made me want a big family.

Annmarie was really beating up on the 2 year old but due to having lots of siblings (and apparently getting into many fights with his 18 month old sister), he was TOTALLY fine with Annmarie. It probably helped that he was a big kid (he wears size 5T clothing).

I asked my friend how she felt about having 5 kids and having some be so close in age. She said it was tough for a bit but that she loves how close they all are now. My friend is such a laid back mom too. She and I definitely seem to share similar parenting styles (and seeing how sweet and well adjusted her older kids are, I feel good about my parenting style).

I really wished my friend lived closer so Annmarie could have some more friends (especially more friends that looked like her… my friend’s children are also mixed Asian/white kids).

I mentioned that I’ve hit a new slew of preggo people in my life. And I’ve also mentioned that I’ve been itching for another baby for quite some time now. (I’m not pregnant, btw) But I’m currently trying to run through a list of justifications on why I shouldn’t want to be pregnant right now.

• We need to move but we don’t know where since we need to see where Jeremy lands a sweet attorney gig.
• I don’t want another winter baby. Being on maternity leave during the cold season sucks. I had massive cabin fever but it was too cold to go anywhere.
• I don’t want another baby near large gift giving holidays. Even though AM’s birthday is in February, we were STILL going through her Christmas gifts. Have I mentioned we live in a tiny home? Plus, as a person with a summer birthday, I always enjoyed the nice mid year celebration with gifts.
• I want a baby that has a birthday during the warm season so they can enjoy having birthday parties outdoors and so we can both enjoy maternity leave (by spending more time outdoors!).
• Daycare!  While we don’t pay a ton now, doubling that is still quite a bit of money.

I know that none of you care about my list but these are things I have to keep telling myself when I get the weepies over wanting another baby RIGHTTHISSECOND.

On that note, I’ll end this post with pictures of Annmarie.

We scoped out the neighborhood park on Sunday. Normally it is littered with the neighborhood riff raff so I avoid it at all costs. But on Sunday it was empty. It was surprisingly clean (something that my neighborhood never is).

Look at those choppers!

Annmarie LOVES going through the bathroom drawers. Despite having childproof latches on them, she can still pull things out. This mess, however, was her digging through the bottom drawer that she can never open. Jeremy thinks he must have left it slightly ajar and she was able to pull the whole thing open.

I swear Annmarie has real toys but here is another day of her playing in the bathroom. This time she decided she wanted to do some light reading of Glamour, People and Men’s Health.

And this is where my friend and I share similar parenting styles. I’m big on letting Annmarie explore things and roam about the house (obviously with me still in the room or her within my line of vision). I’ve replaced all accessible drawers with non life threatening items (no knives, medication, etc.). We replaced our shoe storage just to keep it out of sight (since she always wanted to play with shoes and I didn’t like the idea of her touching the bottoms of the shoes since they’ve traversed all over the city).

I don’t want to spend her entire childhood grabbing her hands and yelling, “noooo!” I like her curiosity. I like her toddler bravery. I feel like constantly pulling her away from things and yelling, “no” will only lead to her being a nervous and skittish child. And seeing that my friend’s 5 kids are all alive and thriving, I’m confident that I’m doing the right thing for me (I know not everyone agrees).

So anywho. (stepping down from soapbox)

P.S.

You may have noticed I didn’t get Pinteractive this week.  I started to (with some sewing projects) but haven’t completed anything.  Well, I completed a baby skirt out of black jersey fabric (since I bought a lot but apparently not enough to make an adult sized maxi skirt).  I followed the maxi skirt instructions loosely but made the skirt knee length on Annmarie.  But I totally f’ed up the waistband and sewed it on upside down/inside out.  So I didn’t take a picture because it looks dumb.

However, I have almost completed a toddler dress (that involved SHIRRING fabric.  I am the shirring master!).  I’m pretty excited about it because I was able to recycle a torn crib sheet into an adorable dress.  I’ll post a pic soon.

Dancing Machine (and other random parenting stuff)

Another post about Annmarie! You’ve been warned.

Lately she’s been doing a lot of what I am assuming is dancing. She does this weird sumo stance and slowly bobs up and down. This video doesn’t do it justice but take my word when I say it is the cutest thing ever.

She’s also started to sit on the stairs. While I realize that it doesn’t sound very amazing or interesting, Jeremy and I think it is incredibly adorable (since just about everything she does is adorable in our eyes… not that we’re biased or anything).

She walks backwards to the stairs, slowly eases herself down and then sits completely. I love it.

Our plan to move Annmarie from her bottles of milk to sippy cups of milk fell apart when she was sick on Friday. It seemed she wanted a lot of comfort this weekend and as much as I hate typing this (and saying it out loud is even worse), she finds “sucking” to be very soothing.

Off topic of Annmarie but still in the realm of parenting, I read this article today and it really struck a nerve with me. I was SO guilty of this (not wanting a daughter) but now cannot imagine my life without a little girl.

When Women Don’t Want Daughters

Now I’m feeling a little empowered with my baby girl. I’ve encountered a 2nd surge of pregnant friends and coworkers (seriously, I know of 7 people currently pregnant) and am all wishing them happy and healthy baby girls (although I already know that 2 of them are having boys so I’m wishing them a happy and healthy baby boy!).

And lastly, I’m moving the topic towards vegetarianism and parenting. If you know me, you know that I’m a vegetarian. I’m not a vegan although I don’t eat a lot of dairy. Jeremy is a vegetarian. We feed Annmarie a vegetarian diet.

People used to give me a hard time about it but, surprisingly, nobody has said anything since Annmarie has been born. Regardless, this comment (on a blog I frequent) regarding their decision to feed their child a vegetarian diet was so spot on.  I want to print this out and carry it around with me in case anyone questions my decision.  I also love appreciate the commenter’s stance on her child’s potential to “experience” with foods outside of the household norm because I completely share her perspective.

Picture Post – AM’s weekend

The countdown to AM’s first birthday party has officially started and I am panicking. There is so much to do and I feel completely overwhelmed by it all.

I realize that it is sort of silly to go overboard with a first birthday party especially since the child will not remember it. But for Koreans, it is totally different. This isn’t just a birthday party. This is a very traditional Korean celebration (hence all the panic). My mom rented a Korean banquet hall and it is being catered. I have a photographer… for a child’s birthday party (this was the ONE requirement my mom told me I had to have).

I’ve spent the last month looking up images of over the top Korean 1st birthdays, harassing my only Korean friend (and her friends) and getting major hand cramps from all of the stupid crafts I’ve decided were a good idea to have on hand.

I’m already at 56 adults confirmed for coming (when I told the caterer only 45 people were coming) and 14 children (ranging in age from 9 months to 12 years). Have I mentioned I’m freaking out? I feel like I’m hosting a small wedding reception. I also realized over the weekend that I left a bunch of people off the invites. I was in such a hurry to get it out on FB (and then Evite) that I wasn’t paying close attention to the guest list. I realized this when I received a response from a close family friend but nothing from his sister (who is generally very good about responding). I reached out to her and she never got the invite. And then I went back over the list and realized I left some folks off. So if you’re a friend in real life reading this and you didn’t see an invite, I am SO sorry. It wasn’t intentional.

And holy hell, my mom just told me what she’s paying for this party. Yikes. And now I feel oodles of child guilt and Jeremy is mad that I feel guilty over something that I didn’t agree to (paying for the party).

Anyways.

I paid a visit to Party City on Saturday to pick up some party supplies. I spent a good chunk of time putting things on AM for my own amusement (but only managed to snap a photo of 3 because she her fists of fury wouldn’t keep anything on long enough for me to snap a photo):

This look says, “Are you f’n kidding me, mom?” Jeremy thought it was inappropriate for there to be baby-sized bunny ears (since the first thing everyone thinks is “Playboy Bunny”).

I’m a pinball wizard… no? Just me?

Looks like someone is ready to party!

Now onto other not super interesting stuff but I still love it because it is about my baby.

Annmarie has started hanging out in this space between our sofa and large chair in the living room. We shoved her old play mat thingy back there and at first, she was just crawling back there and messing with the play mat. But now she actually takes toys back with her. Sometimes she even takes a snack.

Petie knows to follow AM around when she’s got her snack trap… since she leaves a trail of puffs wherever she goes. Plus she gives him some treats every now and then.

Why are you still taking photos of me in my secret spot, dad?!

So because we thought it was cute that she had a little hiding spot, when we saw this tent at Ikea on Sunday we thought it was perfect. When we saw it, it was packed full of kids so we thought it could possibly fit in the corner of our living room (if we did a little rearranging) or her bedroom.

But then we put it together and realized it was massive.

As predicted, she frickin’ loves this thing. She dragged a bunch of things into the tent. She also played a game of peek a boo for awhile (that was melt your heart adorable). But we need to find this a new location. The kitchen just isn’t working.